26
year of doing things I hate
While there are things that continue to bring immense pleasure - traveling, good food, time with loved ones - I'd be lying if I said enjoyed 26. This year has been a constant cycle of trying to convince myself that if I give it time, I can grow to enjoy my new found hobbies, and accept my body.
There's a distinction between pleasure and enjoyment that I've come to realize. Pleasure is passive and consumed, whereas enjoyment is active and created.
Enjoyment demands participation and investment in the process for joy to be reaped. The word "enjoy" comes from the Old French "enjoir," meaning "to give joy to." To truly enjoy something means making it joyful - an activity is only enjoyable if you can actively contribute to its joy.
First few months of 26 were terrible, 2023 was terrible. It’s gotten better. But not fast enough.
My professional life has surprisingly been the only constant in my life. I’ve found a lot of pleasure in my work. My main job and also some little side projects. Some days I wonder if this pleasure has made me complacent…
My partner loves bouldering. So I've picked up the hobby to spend quality time together. But I can’t say I enjoy it. In my competitive nature, I'm hell-bent on being good. Bouldering is extremely inefficient. Most of the time, you’re resting, staring at plastic rocks, figuring out beta, and waiting to recover just enough for another 30-second attempt on the wall. Some days, I’m there for 4 hours and I’ll leave thinking, I would’ve gotten a better workout in at the gym in 20% of the time. I've also grown resentful of how it’s changed my body1 and “prevented” me from other forms of exercise that I do enjoy2.
I have never enjoyed running. A few months ago, I signed up for a half marathon because I really wanted to get AYCE hot pot. My thinking was, if I want to consume more calories without getting big, I need to do more cardio. Tragically, my appetite has grown at a higher rate than my training. So in the last month, I’ve cut my weekly running goal from 12+ miles a week to 8. Progress..?
26 has been a constant cycle of self-loathing, body image issues, and doing things I hate. Very surface-level complaints, I know. But I guess that's how it goes as you get older. Life improves, but these small optimizations become what we strive to perfect in our pursuits for happiness.
My back is widening; size 0 dresses are too tight in the torso, but size 2 is too loose at the waist.
I love workout classes, namely solidcore and tonehouse. But I don’t think an upper body day 5x a week would be good for my physique goals either.